I was never close to you, yet you loved me. 

I rarely talk to you even when I'm back, yet you were always happy for us to be back. 

My statements and replies somehow came out extreme during the conversations in your presence, but I do not believe in using non-vulgar words means respect. 

Also, I do not believe in sending messages like 'rest in peace' or 'you will be missed' in the whatsapp or the internet work. It is what you really feel and not act to look like one. 



Message came to me a bit late. 

Anyhow, it's not like I can make any changes or do something. I have no place of voicing up because explaining it to them what the situation actually is, was simply not appropriate according to the family hierachy. Also, no one showed the interest and actually ask me about it. They were well-equipped with their source of information and explaination which they were satisfy with. I'm not in the place to break the exact bad news. 

I've seen quite a number of patients with this. I know exactly how long he's going to live. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I knew this was going to happen. But I simply didn't expect want it to be this quick. 

I prayed to God, begging him to give him more time. Best if he waits till my convocation. But then I was reminded, he might prefer to say with grandma after all these while. Weighing the pros and cons of living, leaving is an obvious better option. 

I was nagging to my friends about why was he about to be transferred to HKL this afternoon. But now, I'd rather he'd been transferred instead. I would've get to see him the very last time. Knowing how things work in our settings makes you frustrated because there was no one to be blamed for what happened. We can only quietly accept it and cry in our own corner (or start acting under the spotlight). 


I hate it when they kept saying he was well before (at that specific time), he could recognise so and so. 

Alert, conscious, responsive and well orientated does not mean one is not unstable and not gonna die. But I can't say that to them because that will mean I'm cursing my grandpa to death, as though they were not distress enough and I'm here creating some havoc. 

We're all sad. 

He was a tough man. 

Multiple times he fell from height just because he wanted to make us some shredded coconut flesh for our dessert. 
So many times despite his back pain, he walked distance just to buy us crabs to make us 'shark fin' soup.

There's so many more of him that I'd prefer to stay it with myself. and I need to stop crying.

I hope u're better up there with grandma and our ancestors. I really hope you do. 

and those immature douches stop acting like 16s when most of them are almost in their 70s. 


Love you, grandpa. 

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