♪♫ ~*Mi¢hεl£ε•τoo~*♪♫

I was never close to you, yet you loved me. 

I rarely talk to you even when I'm back, yet you were always happy for us to be back. 

My statements and replies somehow came out extreme during the conversations in your presence, but I do not believe in using non-vulgar words means respect. 

Also, I do not believe in sending messages like 'rest in peace' or 'you will be missed' in the whatsapp or the internet work. It is what you really feel and not act to look like one. 

Anyways, 

Message came to me a bit late. 

Anyhow, it's not like I can make any changes or do something. I have no place of voicing up because explaining it to them what the situation actually is, was simply not appropriate according to the family hierachy. Also, no one showed the interest and actually ask me about it. They were well-equipped with their source of information and explaination which they were satisfy with. I'm not in the place to break the exact bad news. 

I've seen quite a number of patients with this. I know exactly how long he's going to live. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I knew this was going to happen. But I simply didn't expect want it to be this quick. 

I prayed to God, begging him to give him more time. Best if he waits till my convocation. But then I was reminded, he might prefer to say with grandma after all these while. Weighing the pros and cons of living, leaving is an obvious better option. 

I was nagging to my friends about why was he about to be transferred to HKL this afternoon. But now, I'd rather he'd been transferred instead. I would've get to see him the very last time. Knowing how things work in our settings makes you frustrated because there was no one to be blamed for what happened. We can only quietly accept it and cry in our own corner (or start acting under the spotlight). 

I hate it when they kept saying he was well before (at that specific time), he could recognise so and so. 

Alert, conscious, responsive and well orientated does not mean one is not unstable and not gonna die. But I can't say that to them because that will mean I'm cursing my grandpa to death, as though they were not distress enough and I'm here creating some havoc. 

We're all sad. 

He was a tough man. 

Multiple times he fell from height just because he wanted to make us some shredded coconut flesh for our dessert. 
So many times despite his back pain, he walked distance just to buy us crabs to make us 'shark fin' soup.

There's so many more of him that I'd prefer to stay it with myself. and I need to stop crying.

要说这几个月发生了很多事？其实也没有。

2013年都已经八月中了，这八个月发生了很多事？也。没。有。我的人生好像除了读书（其实也没有比别人认真，更别说‘拼’这个字了），琴，上网，听歌，聊八卦（讲来讲去还是讲那回同样的那几个人），也别无其他。

有时候会想，我的人生那么的枯燥，到底是怎么一回事？

或许，我应该珍惜这平凡是福。

不得不认，我的大学生涯就只有传说中的‘两个朋友’。从前，我打从心底地不承认这说法，严重些说，是种控诉:P 但我这所谓的医学生都当了第三年了，随着日子和事情的发生，慢慢地，我不得不认了这说法。有谁会不惜一切地帮我，有谁会在夜深人静的时候与我一同犯贱，有谁会在我心情莫名其妙地低落时鸟我？除了天，又有谁会在我享受生活得忘我的时候敲醒我要我开始读书？况且，自己的事自己了。我说话的方式往往让人吃不消。很难有人跟他们一样能够习惯我这种说话方式。爱聊八卦时女生（人）的天性。说人的不是，我最厉害。对，我就是口无遮拦，很多时候我都是为了说而说。怎样？

大学生涯里，老实说，我认识的人不算多，也不算少，但认识的，就只是认识。至于这些‘认识’的朋友们，不是说你们不好，而是，我与你们不熟。说得难听，我们是玩伴？但也不完全是。:/ 毕竟我们都会互相打气。算了，我也懒得花脑力在这些人际关系上。对我而言，人际关系这东西，永远都复杂，看似是，其事非也，没有对错，没有黑白，只有灰色。

最近的话题里总是提到感情问题。这，很难怪。突然之间，仿佛全世界都在恋爱，又一下子，好像每一对都同时出现不同的问题。其事他们情侣之间的问题，根本与我无关，我大可以不要鸡婆。但是！本小姐骨子里就是八婆一个，按耐不了。

但感情生活这种事，谁都不能完全控制。我常说，情场男女难免犯贱。还真的很犯贱。

至于为什么会提到‘感情生活’这个话题，不知道事情背后的故事的先生女士们，让我为您解释解释。是这样的。本小姐我，打从娘胎，出生了，就一直单身，到现在。好啦，二十几岁的人啦，一次恋爱也没谈过，家人可是不停地追问着。尤其是回乡或阿姨姨丈他们过来的时候，更是一连串的这种问题。各位uncle auntie 啊，本小姐我没谈过恋爱，我也不想啊。timing 不对，你以为我想啊？

常抱怨自己没人要，现在想起来，也许是我严重地口无遮拦，把他们吓跑了！:P 不过算了，过去了，就让它过去。 再怎么缅怀，也只是回忆。

老实说，这个sem， 我很爱。对，一开始很空虚因为之前都拼了命忙读书，突然之间，考完试了，不用再读书了，每天要想些事情做做。对，我得承认这样的生活是很没意义。但我爱，是因为我可以睡觉，我终于可以肆无忌惮地要睡多久就睡多久。而我鸡蛋般咕溜咕溜滑的肌肤也因此终于回来啦～～ 爱死我现在的肌肤。😄

好了。本小姐头疼鸟。我要去睡我的美容觉了。
掰。

I was scrolling down facebook, a newsfeed of yours popped up on my timeline, so i went to your page to have a look, to get myself updated. As I was scrolling down, memory stirs. Whatever happened gushed out like a waterfall. 

this was many years ago and this, made me who i am today.

You're once my best friend. I knew you were complicated with your huge social cirlces, knowing tonnes and tonnes of people i don't know, also, your ability to use the exact thing happened and turn the story up side down. People been telling me you're dangerous, even my parents. But I took those words too lightly. You showed your 'loyalty' in front of me by stabbing others' back. Same thing happens when you're with others. Perhaps I wasn't even a friend of yours, a toy instead, to entertain you. 

The reason you got close to me was because I was perhaps approachable to you when we were in the same class. Which was when you had a terrible quarrel with your princess. (For those of you who don't get who was I talking about all these time, a 'she', is the only thing i could tell you here) Basically, I was only her substitute, a best-friend-substitute. And so happen that you and her, were no longer in the same class like how both of you were back in the previous years of secondary school. I was indeed happy thinking I've finally got a best friend in this school. 

You're a ... demanding kind of person I'd say? The reason are you don't like people messing around with your most updated electronic device aka toys because u think people like me will break it. You've always got the newest electronice devices like, those times when gameboys were still on the heat, then the PSP, then Wii (in your home of course), expensive electric guitar, pricely guitar picks, HUGE-awesome-laser-printer, etc. You were so into your academic marks till you asked your parents' factory worker to make an awesome looking craft for our KH project. Nothing bad are allowed for you, nothing taste bad will enter your mouth, nothing cheap enters your mouth. That's who you are.

Everything you said must be right. We were all childish back then. We encounter things like these everyday in school. I was partly in the blame. There was a certain period where I was so self centered and as you know, when both self centered person meets, well, bet you know what'll happen. 

and until a time where she finally got back with her princess, *snaps* I was kicked away just like that. not exaggarating, whole of the 3 classes, was against me literally. It was the toughest time of my life, no one talks to me, people ignores me, all kind of facial expression I've been through. It was hell. and all that happened just because of your words. 

the fact that u ditched my and go against me once you get your princess back broke my heart. entirely. 
I was just being frank to you, I was direct to you because you were my best friend and I really thought u could handle it. It seems I overestimated you. 

and now, it's been so many years, I still couldn't let it go. It ain't the grudge in me, it's just that you taught me how dangerous people can be, how fast people can change. one minute you buddy, next sec u're their enemy. Now u're one of them who ask us out for some gatherings. I went once, and I feel uncomfortable talking with you. Your self -centeredness hasn't go away and that make us remain in only surface talk and I'm sorry that I couldn't open up to you anymore for what had happened. 

it's been a long time since i had a hard crush on someone. its hard for me. 

it's been some time since i had ups and downs over a person. it's hard. It takes time for me to develope these feelings over someone. 

but for a certain time, i miss those feelings somehow. Is it me or others' problem? It's as if every single one in the world have someone that make them feel that way. 

I miss those tachycardic moments when i see someone. I miss those crazy excitement looking forward to see someone, and those desperate moments wanting to be with them. my life has been kinda dull too peaceful since the year starts. not sure if it's a good thing. but i'll treasure these moments before those storms come. 

sometimes i wonder, what would my life be 10 years from now. i can't foresee a single thing other than im 30 exactly 10 years from now. 

2012,

They say its the year that the world would end. apparently, no. im still alive. and for that day, i remember i tweeted this pic, and shuwhey said she like this expression alot. actually, this pose was inspired of her 'wtf-wtv-ur-such-an-idiot' pose. :P

'its 2012 and im still alive like duhhhh' 

it was indeed an.... interesting year...??? and yes, been through tonnes of ups and downs, as in non-PMS related ups and downs, if u get what i mean. 

its 31/12/12. its the last day of 2012. (oh shut up of course you people know its the last day of 2012 -.-)

i feel kind of sad actually, (again, non-PMS related feelings). the fact that i've known so many more people that i've been wanting to know, how hard i fell and how hard i tried to get up. it ain't an easy thing to do u know? and such an awesome year, ended just like this. it was colourful year. it was. compared to 2011, which is more of a ... bright piece of art, this is as what i described, colourful. those colours, they fit each other so well. such piece of art with such harmony of colour, it's beautiful. :)

well, things i learnt this year, work your ass off smartly to get what you want. which is... true. but make sure that you are who you are when u're dealing with such thing. if it ain't your thang, shut up and do what u're suppose to do at that time. easy. follow your heart. 

second thing, lies. 
well, its somehow easy for me to know people are lying, when they are lying at that moment. but people never get it when im lying. smart move huh? :P well thats because... i barely lie to outsiders, coz i dont talk much to them. an entertaining smile and those 'yeah hahahhhhh', 'liddet lohhh hahahahhhh' and those unwilling 'hehhhsssss' simply shut them outta my world. HOWEVER, people i know who i talk to them, i know you are lying when you are. :) the reason i dont bust your lies, its that im lazy, and im tired to argue. when you lies, i know, and i'll shut up that onwards. 

third thing, entertainers. 
im sure there ARE people around you who are your entertainer/treat you as their entertainer. by that i mean, 'fake friends'. those who give you good words, when you're some deep shit and u stinks. for such people, easy, give an eye for an eye. they are just so complicated that they don't worth you to waste ur time, treating them as ur what, like buddies whom you'd die for? nah, forget about it. that'll never happen. not trying to be inappropriate, but think about it, they are just treating you as a sex toy. they need you, they'll be there for you; they dont need you, they'll get lost, and YOU, u'll always be there for them. u're nothing but their sexy toy. unless u're willing to do so. i wont.

etc, etc, etc, for things i learnt throughout the year. it'll be a mil word post of i cont -.-

im lazy to type anymore. let the pics do the job instead. :)

spot was mine. WAS. im still pissed about it!

It's like there's nothing good whenever i update my blog here. 

For those of you who don't know, i went for my violin exam during lunch time. 

most unprepared violin exam i'd say. as you people know, im in med school, so basically is freaking hard for me to squeeze my time out for violin practice. i have to rush home for violin practice and classes. and of because of these reasons, a conclusion of the exam will be, say goodbye to the my beloved friend - distinction. 

no more perfect mark in aural (very unprepared), the examiner, first of all, to me, she's trying so hard to help me, and i'd happily say perhaps im the only one who she dont need to repeat her sentence over and over again like those previous candidates who were small lil kids. I can see that she's trying very hard to smile, she's trying very hard to give me a friendly impression so that i wont be nervous. but nahhhh, her first impression freaked me out. she came out with some freaking serious face (as you know, all old people have face problem because they dont have such firm skin as we do, theirs are all sagging. especially when they dont smile, it looked fking strict)

TOO BAD. i dont have that kind of control. i mean, we all have nerves during exam (more or less, at least a bit)

the thing was, i was so sleepy. i somehow feel sleepy whenever im nervous. or i even feel like puking or shit. lol. 

well, at least one thing i did very good was ignoring the mistakes i made. at least i dint went more nervous once i made mistake. i was like f*ck this shit and continued. out of 3 freaking songs. i was lost in the middle of 2 songs. *facepalm* guess i was too sleepy. scales, i totally forgot how i did frankly speaking. not to say very good, as usual, intonation here and there. @.@ 3rds was worst i'd say. choked like mad at the high parts. gawsh.

pieces, 1st piece started not bad, nicely i'd say. and thennnnnnnn, when it went high and descend, MY GOODNESS, HORRIBLE, i was lost. how on the earth is that possible???? but nevermind, it ended not bad. then 2nd song, starting ornaments wasnt obvious, kinda missed it. -.- nevermind, then when we proceeded to the important part, fking choked, and same place at the recap, I CHOKED AGN! HOW CAN I CHOKE FOR TWO FREAKING TIMES? -_____- that wasnt the worst part, when we ended, she told my accompanist 'can you please dont play too loud till you drown the violinist? afterall it's her exam' im like WTFFFFFFF

i was quite stressed since then, expressions for the 3rd songs were kinda flat then. and i was lost again in this piece -.- seriously? lost for 2 times??? but AT LEAST, it ended okay to me. not to say very good. but it was just okay. 

urgh. and there comes sight reading, as usual, i dont know what was i playing. (the same thing happened every year for my violin exam) but this is grd 8, hoping she's good enough to pass my sight reading. *finger crossed*

aural, i dont know what was happening, was just babbling abt the dynamics, when she asked for texture i was like 'f*ck idk how to describe' and was acting cute as if im thinking but nothing comes into my mind when the answers were so easy. -.- *screams*

and there goes my distinction. far far away from me. 
hope she'll at least pass me. i'll be very very thankful even if i get merit. *pray hard* 

 It was never right to judge others' reflection, since the beginning. 

Who are you to judge other's feeling when you dint went through the exact situation as them?
Who are you to judge others when you weren't there the whole time to witness what happened? 

It was never fair. 
And it's getting too much. All we need to do is pretend to reflect ourselve, and please you people to get good grades. Since when a reflection is to get grades? 

Well, these are still not the thing that i find ridiculous. But limit the words we used in our own reflection? nonsense! It's always the feelings beats a million words. It's the feeling counts! So why not let us expressing ourselve in whatever way we want? 

You all started with all these reflective writing and you guys try to control us with word limit to buy yourself a better time to get rid of these shit. On the other hand, you people torture us with those long unwieldly braggy journals.  

To you all, it doesnt matter, as well as we get to improve with all those so called suggestions you all gave which are nothing but vague statements. Come to think about it, so what if we follow the suggestions you all gave? Will we get grades we want? In the end, it is still all about the grades in the university! So what if we follow whatever you suggested but we FAILED to entertain you all with our 'interesting' writing? We are here to get training to be a doctor, not a writer -.-

You all told us to improve our English, which is a way of telling us that our english are BAD. But do you all actually remember which paper you marked? Who are they who wrote their feelings down, who are those who spent time, sitting down and editting their work just to please you but unfortunately failed? Do you even remember their work until then when you saw those familiar names, with an improvement, you'll give them a comment at least, improvement noted? You probably won't. Because all of you are drowned by those files and files of patient, and files and files of students' nonsense 'reflective'.

Why won't you all be fair to us, a little bit, at least? We weren't asking much. 

Imagine, the moment before you open your eyes, all you heard was someone shouting your name at the door, loudly, till the whole street hears, and it's not your fault to wake up in time coz the phone alarm won't ring when you did set it last night. 

How would you feel? 

All she did to you was shouting and shouting, because she was so worked up, her staff fell sick again after recovering past few days. And she kept putting the blame on you, just to release her stress on her shoulders. It's just a way for her to relief her stress in her. All she always do are telling who's right who's wrong. Her favourite part will be stating 'it's (somebody's) fault.!!' She just loves to do that. 

If you ever saw this post, I feel sorry for you to take me as your punching bag. I suck at it. I fought back. I fought back because you  ruined my morning. I apologized right after i came down running to the toilet. You probably didnt heard, because you were so blinded by your anger. 

By the way, this post is not to apologize to you, coz i won't. Of all the things, I HATE people shouting me, scolding me, accusing me in the morning the most. I know you had it all the time and you let it be. But I'm not you, I won't let it be. So I fought back, coz you crossed the line. I cried, because I was so angry. It took me quit sometime to stop the tears. Do you know how hard was it to stop those tears? 

Did you notice this is the first time in my life i hung up so rudely to you? If you do, and just in case u're wondering, I was damn pissed at the moment. Please bare in mind, you were shouting to me over the phone. it was 15 minutes passed, and you still haven't get over it. Plus all the messages you sent, it was over my limit. I'm an accusing intolerant person. Perhaps knowing me for so many years, you didn't discover this part of me. 

You have your ego in you. Especially these years, when you're in your perimenopause, perhaps I'll learn more the hormonal changes in your stage. 
You think that you know each and all of us so well, because your nieces talk to you alot. But not for me, I'm too complicated for you to understand. Perhaps, it seems I know you more than you know me. It's like I always can predict what are your responses. 

Now you won't talk to me. But seriously, I dont care that much like last time. I know u're waiting for my apology, but no. I admit my rudeness, but you being the one who triggered this to happen, and spreading bad comments around about me, and for the shoutings that ruined the start of my day, no, no apologies from me.