我看着你来,也看着你走。

只是最后一幕最后一个表情太虐心。最后一步,我真的没有办法坚持下去。

老实说这一天我们准备了几年。我以为我能够坚强地陪你走到最后。看来我太高估我自己。

不要问我感觉怎样,我不知道。只是,泪水像开了的水龙头不停地涌。

不要说什么my condolences 之类的话。此时此刻,我受不了。

很抱歉我不是一个完美尽责的主人。我知道你很爱我,至少曾经你是爱我的。后来几年我很忙,也很懒,忽略了你。我知道很多次我让你失落了。或许,太多次的失落,我也长时间不在家,你渐渐绝望了。

谢谢你。谢谢你一直以来那么乖。也谢谢你一直以来那么健康。

谢谢你陪伴了我们十来年。谢谢你陪我长大。谢谢你给的所有回忆。

谢谢你在我的青春里扮演一个那么重要的角色。谢谢你是除我父母以外,唯一爱我的。当全世界背弃我你是唯一无条件守在我身边的。

一切的一切,谢谢你。

你要的爱,我们没给着。

遇上我们应该是你上辈子做的孽,但我们遇上你却是毕生的幸福,上辈子修的福。

致我已逝的你,已逝的青春,安息。

愿你一路好走。早登极乐。

永远爱你。

 


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Convocation was yesterday.

That was, indeed, the end. These feelings are finally creeping in after a night. 

Five years. Neither short nor long. Too many things happened. 

Five years. We met people. and we lost some of them. Some of us don't talk anymore. Some of us don't even say hi when we pass by. Not even a friendly smile. It hurts to even think about who these people are. I mean, what have I done to you that u're treating me like this? 
We loved someone. and we let go of our hands to them. 
I'm not sure how long more will some of us stay with each other. But I don't want to lose any of you. 

It is like everything, has finally ended. We are dispersing. Everywhere. and I wonder, when will be the next time we see each other? 

I sang 'love will set you free' during the dinner because the lyrics got me. I feel that it pretty much describes us all. 
We're all so busy with our 'own new life'. Some thinks shit's ended. There's no way they're turning back. Well, I would like us to keep together. Everyone I meet, I try to walk into their world and see how do they look like. Good or bad. It is the moments we were together that I cherish. Everything is part of growing up. and to a certain extent, I regretted not getting involved with more people. I regretted not getting into those puddle of shit and solve it out together because I was lazy to socialize and I was sick of people calling me fake. I regret because I know one day, things we used to say was wrong, will be then alright. 

 
As I always say, I'm not good at words. 
But hey, just so you know, anyone of you, I'll be there if you need me.

Peace.  

P/S: oops this is more emotional than I thought it should be. DAYUM 


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I was never close to you, yet you loved me. 

I rarely talk to you even when I'm back, yet you were always happy for us to be back. 

My statements and replies somehow came out extreme during the conversations in your presence, but I do not believe in using non-vulgar words means respect. 

Also, I do not believe in sending messages like 'rest in peace' or 'you will be missed' in the whatsapp or the internet work. It is what you really feel and not act to look like one. 


 

Anyways, 

Message came to me a bit late. 

Anyhow, it's not like I can make any changes or do something. I have no place of voicing up because explaining it to them what the situation actually is, was simply not appropriate according to the family hierachy. Also, no one showed the interest and actually ask me about it. They were well-equipped with their source of information and explaination which they were satisfy with. I'm not in the place to break the exact bad news. 

I've seen quite a number of patients with this. I know exactly how long he's going to live. 

Basically what I'm trying to say is, I knew this was going to happen. But I simply didn't expect want it to be this quick. 

I prayed to God, begging him to give him more time. Best if he waits till my convocation. But then I was reminded, he might prefer to say with grandma after all these while. Weighing the pros and cons of living, leaving is an obvious better option. 

I was nagging to my friends about why was he about to be transferred to HKL this afternoon. But now, I'd rather he'd been transferred instead. I would've get to see him the very last time. Knowing how things work in our settings makes you frustrated because there was no one to be blamed for what happened. We can only quietly accept it and cry in our own corner (or start acting under the spotlight). 


 

I hate it when they kept saying he was well before (at that specific time), he could recognise so and so. 

Alert, conscious, responsive and well orientated does not mean one is not unstable and not gonna die. But I can't say that to them because that will mean I'm cursing my grandpa to death, as though they were not distress enough and I'm here creating some havoc. 

We're all sad. 

He was a tough man. 

Multiple times he fell from height just because he wanted to make us some shredded coconut flesh for our dessert. 
So many times despite his back pain, he walked distance just to buy us crabs to make us 'shark fin' soup.

There's so many more of him that I'd prefer to stay it with myself. and I need to stop crying.

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She is like a snake. 

She slither around guys. 

Nothing in particular she did but bound them and wait. Till then when they pass out, she gulps in devour. How satisfying. 

Some escalated quick. Some had nothing left. Not even the bones. 

And you my love, don't let me down. Stay away from her. She's a devil. Come back to me I beg you please. 


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  • May 09 Mon 2016 15:58

‘“我是一只鱼,望着鱼缸外的你
敲了敲玻璃,你对我微笑离去。”

想说,这词写得真好。不觉得吗?

一条爱上自己主人的鱼。
明知道不可能,还是爱了。
明知道他不属于自己,还是爱了。
最后剩下痛和哀怨。
但鱼只有七秒记忆。七秒后,什么都不记得了。

我也希望自己是一条鱼。
游着游着,七秒了,就不记得了。

多好。
无论自己上七秒多痛多哀怨,下七秒,是新的开始。

 


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  • Nov 01 Sat 2014 08:44
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  • Oct 24 Fri 2014 22:22
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其实不是我不想放心思下去,但我实在太想回家了。

我就是想赖在妈妈身旁。

我就是想回家作弄小弟。

我就是想回家欺负爸爸。

人家就是想回家当个千金大小姐嘛


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  • Oct 13 Mon 2014 22:12
  • -

All you gotta do is to reply that one line and hurt me. 

You're someone so special AND important to me, and that one simple line was sufficient to made me insomnia for the night. 

Perhaps you don't know how important you are to me because you never knew how much i love you.

 

I don't like to cry but I just cant hold it back this time. It's way too much for me to handle like this.


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