♪♫ ~*Mi¢hεl£ε•τoo~*♪♫

算了算，其实都已经半年了。

半年，不长也不短。

如果说，你也和我一样，那就结束这场痛苦吧。

这段时间，这样断断续续地，我很痛苦。本以为能开开心心地往前走，却一个不小心回过头，给绊住了。后来的许多次，告诉了自己千万别回头，好了，终于没回过头了。你却在我的前方挡住我的去路。

我真的很想往前走。

虽说，这不算黑暗，也不算阴霾，但我只想重见以往的光明，无忧无虑地逍遥过活。

那愿，少说也真心地许了三个月，但还没实现。

到底要多久才能实现？我不知道。但天，能否尽快？ 

我真的不想这痛苦延至明年。

算了算，这个月已经哭了第二次。

事实上，回想了一下，当下真的没什么好哭的。

重点不在于事情的经过，而是为什么有了哭劲。

每个人的哭点都不一样。看似小事而崩溃的背后，累积了多少的逞强，多少的压抑，又有谁了？

虽然习惯压抑，但我累了。

刚刚差点在学校门口崩溃。还强忍着泪水和他们，还有那可爱的管理员说笑。但最终还是上了车，离开了学校环境，才敢发泄。

这些日子累积着不顺心的事不知如何说出口，也不晓得如何开始。干脆，不说。

哭着哭着，忽然发觉连电台播着平常爱听的舞曲竟然未能让我感觉好些。这，我无语。

哭过就好了，我当然希望如此。也希望那一觉，能把所有的不顺心都睡走。

我真的，很累。

从前，我是个努力讨好身边人的一个人。我从不让自己错过身边发生的任何事。 

从前，因为害怕寂寞，我会努力让自己追上他们的步伐。

但追逐了那么多年，追逐过了不同的人和事，累了。懒得继续追逐下去。

冠冕堂皇的话听多了总会厌倦。那些日子过得多好我们心照不宣。

随着年龄的增长，有些事，真的，错过了太多要追也懒得追寻下去。很多时候即兴地说要一起出去，说走就走，事情都抛诸脑后，我不像你们，不家人一起住，没人管束，要走随时都能走，很抱歉，我不能。

出去叫不叫我，我无所谓。我不奢望你们记得我的存在，毕竟我算是比较静的那一个，更何况我又不完全算是你们那一伙的。

我曾努力地尝试着融入，但我累了，就算在家多么地空虚寂寞，时间，总要留些给自己。

你们每一个我都爱。至于这爱，是我一厢情愿与否，我不知道。

话说回来还是要谢谢你们给予我那可爱的回忆。谢谢。

以上的话只是本小姐喃喃。认真，你就输了。

要说这几个月发生了很多事？其实也没有。

2013年都已经八月中了，这八个月发生了很多事？也。没。有。我的人生好像除了读书（其实也没有比别人认真，更别说‘拼’这个字了），琴，上网，听歌，聊八卦（讲来讲去还是讲那回同样的那几个人），也别无其他。

有时候会想，我的人生那么的枯燥，到底是怎么一回事？

或许，我应该珍惜这平凡是福。

不得不认，我的大学生涯就只有传说中的‘两个朋友’。从前，我打从心底地不承认这说法，严重些说，是种控诉:P 但我这所谓的医学生都当了第三年了，随着日子和事情的发生，慢慢地，我不得不认了这说法。有谁会不惜一切地帮我，有谁会在夜深人静的时候与我一同犯贱，有谁会在我心情莫名其妙地低落时鸟我？除了天，又有谁会在我享受生活得忘我的时候敲醒我要我开始读书？况且，自己的事自己了。我说话的方式往往让人吃不消。很难有人跟他们一样能够习惯我这种说话方式。爱聊八卦时女生（人）的天性。说人的不是，我最厉害。对，我就是口无遮拦，很多时候我都是为了说而说。怎样？

大学生涯里，老实说，我认识的人不算多，也不算少，但认识的，就只是认识。至于这些‘认识’的朋友们，不是说你们不好，而是，我与你们不熟。说得难听，我们是玩伴？但也不完全是。:/ 毕竟我们都会互相打气。算了，我也懒得花脑力在这些人际关系上。对我而言，人际关系这东西，永远都复杂，看似是，其事非也，没有对错，没有黑白，只有灰色。

最近的话题里总是提到感情问题。这，很难怪。突然之间，仿佛全世界都在恋爱，又一下子，好像每一对都同时出现不同的问题。其事他们情侣之间的问题，根本与我无关，我大可以不要鸡婆。但是！本小姐骨子里就是八婆一个，按耐不了。

但感情生活这种事，谁都不能完全控制。我常说，情场男女难免犯贱。还真的很犯贱。

至于为什么会提到‘感情生活’这个话题，不知道事情背后的故事的先生女士们，让我为您解释解释。是这样的。本小姐我，打从娘胎，出生了，就一直单身，到现在。好啦，二十几岁的人啦，一次恋爱也没谈过，家人可是不停地追问着。尤其是回乡或阿姨姨丈他们过来的时候，更是一连串的这种问题。各位uncle auntie 啊，本小姐我没谈过恋爱，我也不想啊。timing 不对，你以为我想啊？

常抱怨自己没人要，现在想起来，也许是我严重地口无遮拦，把他们吓跑了！:P 不过算了，过去了，就让它过去。 再怎么缅怀，也只是回忆。

老实说，这个sem， 我很爱。对，一开始很空虚因为之前都拼了命忙读书，突然之间，考完试了，不用再读书了，每天要想些事情做做。对，我得承认这样的生活是很没意义。但我爱，是因为我可以睡觉，我终于可以肆无忌惮地要睡多久就睡多久。而我鸡蛋般咕溜咕溜滑的肌肤也因此终于回来啦～～ 爱死我现在的肌肤。😄

好了。本小姐头疼鸟。我要去睡我的美容觉了。
掰。

亲爱的自己，

这是有生以来第一次，有‘人’写信给你。
自己写信给自己，没什么错，也没什么好觉得悲惨的。

亲爱的自己，

你最近犯贱得很。该忘的忘不掉，不该忘的通通忘掉。这，很糟糕。
你最近老是不专心。快考试了，怎么办？

是非对错你没资格管，也轮不到你管。
求求你，拜托你，闲事末插手，为了前途，你能否像以前一样专心的读书？
无谓的八卦，真的就不要再理了。

亲爱的自己，

多疼疼自己吧！多喝水！ 
最近肤色黯淡，感觉老了好几年。不要让美美的自己变丑。多喝水吧！

亲爱的自己，

把他忘了吧！这样下去不是办法。何必累了自己也苦了别人？
把注意力转到学习上才有用的多。何必浪费时间想着他？他忘了，别再想他了。
他没勇气，想着他也没用。 把他忘了，别再想他了。

I was scrolling down facebook, a newsfeed of yours popped up on my timeline, so i went to your page to have a look, to get myself updated. As I was scrolling down, memory stirs. Whatever happened gushed out like a waterfall. 

this was many years ago and this, made me who i am today.

You're once my best friend. I knew you were complicated with your huge social cirlces, knowing tonnes and tonnes of people i don't know, also, your ability to use the exact thing happened and turn the story up side down. People been telling me you're dangerous, even my parents. But I took those words too lightly. You showed your 'loyalty' in front of me by stabbing others' back. Same thing happens when you're with others. Perhaps I wasn't even a friend of yours, a toy instead, to entertain you. 

The reason you got close to me was because I was perhaps approachable to you when we were in the same class. Which was when you had a terrible quarrel with your princess. (For those of you who don't get who was I talking about all these time, a 'she', is the only thing i could tell you here) Basically, I was only her substitute, a best-friend-substitute. And so happen that you and her, were no longer in the same class like how both of you were back in the previous years of secondary school. I was indeed happy thinking I've finally got a best friend in this school. 

You're a ... demanding kind of person I'd say? The reason are you don't like people messing around with your most updated electronic device aka toys because u think people like me will break it. You've always got the newest electronice devices like, those times when gameboys were still on the heat, then the PSP, then Wii (in your home of course), expensive electric guitar, pricely guitar picks, HUGE-awesome-laser-printer, etc. You were so into your academic marks till you asked your parents' factory worker to make an awesome looking craft for our KH project. Nothing bad are allowed for you, nothing taste bad will enter your mouth, nothing cheap enters your mouth. That's who you are.

Everything you said must be right. We were all childish back then. We encounter things like these everyday in school. I was partly in the blame. There was a certain period where I was so self centered and as you know, when both self centered person meets, well, bet you know what'll happen. 

and until a time where she finally got back with her princess, *snaps* I was kicked away just like that. not exaggarating, whole of the 3 classes, was against me literally. It was the toughest time of my life, no one talks to me, people ignores me, all kind of facial expression I've been through. It was hell. and all that happened just because of your words. 

the fact that u ditched my and go against me once you get your princess back broke my heart. entirely. 
I was just being frank to you, I was direct to you because you were my best friend and I really thought u could handle it. It seems I overestimated you. 

and now, it's been so many years, I still couldn't let it go. It ain't the grudge in me, it's just that you taught me how dangerous people can be, how fast people can change. one minute you buddy, next sec u're their enemy. Now u're one of them who ask us out for some gatherings. I went once, and I feel uncomfortable talking with you. Your self -centeredness hasn't go away and that make us remain in only surface talk and I'm sorry that I couldn't open up to you anymore for what had happened. 

it's been a long time since i had a hard crush on someone. its hard for me. 

it's been some time since i had ups and downs over a person. it's hard. It takes time for me to develope these feelings over someone. 

but for a certain time, i miss those feelings somehow. Is it me or others' problem? It's as if every single one in the world have someone that make them feel that way. 

I miss those tachycardic moments when i see someone. I miss those crazy excitement looking forward to see someone, and those desperate moments wanting to be with them. my life has been kinda dull too peaceful since the year starts. not sure if it's a good thing. but i'll treasure these moments before those storms come. 

sometimes i wonder, what would my life be 10 years from now. i can't foresee a single thing other than im 30 exactly 10 years from now. 

Parents are nothing but the 2 person who made you, biologically. They are nothing but 2 people, who are elder than you, and think that they lived longer than you, hence make them far more superior than you, and basically, they own you. which is true. they own you, so you have to follow whatever they said. 

Parents, are nothing but the 2 person that claim that they care for you, in which, i dont know how many of them do so deep in their heart, then they will start scolding you 'for your own good', in which this point, i oppose very much. they 'care' for you, well, partly, if you're the lucky ones, they love you. whereas the unlucky ones, u're just here to please them. when things don't go in their way, they make you feel bad. they insult you in all kind of words. well, asian parents. this is typical, especially those who were brought up in an extremely asian minded family, like mine. To be specific, they haunt you with the same old thing you done wrong once, and they exaggerate it. Not enough? they tell the whole world, right or wrong things you done, they tell whoever they know when they talk about it. 

Or you call it a genetic thing. Your characteristic, your behaviour, its a total reflect of your parents. The thing in human is that they dont like to see another side of them in another human being. Especially, human pick up negative attitude from others so quickly that they didnt even notice it. One thing parents like to do - boast about themselves. This is how a parent wil do to their kids when their kids is not how they want. 'Can't you be like me? I've set a good example for you, why dont you learn me?' and then the scoldings start. Things don't work that way, to all of you parents. You see, when you boast about yourself, yes, maybe a 2 year old kiddo will think yeah i shall be like my parent. but as they grow older, you 'technique' of teaching kids dont work anymore. when they goes to the primary school, they mix with the others, they pick up others' behaviour, they start thinking, whats the point of me being you? it's pointless, useless, troublesome. why? because you never reason the right thing to them. 

Reasoning, very important survival skills in this society. 

and now, after such lengthy piece of shit i wrote above, i'll start explaining why i have such thoughts. 

My parents, just now, scolded me for what-ing them rudely everytime they ask me to get down from my room for dinner. It was out of sudden. Someone just decided to scold me since they've got the groove to scold people. yea, groove. 

Things you need to know is, i HATE people calling me for no reasons. i hate it, a lot. hence, that is a reflex of me reacting towards their act. when i ask 'what', i expect them to answer me, they didnt. another thing you need to know is, when u're finally in the mood to study, people calling you, without reasoning WHY, is extremely annoying. it just crushes your mood, for everything. therefore, the annoyed face. 

and the parents, well, they claim they are very understanding. erm, to me, their understanding level was only to a certain extent. moms always say this ( a direct translate in chinese) ' Its me who gave birth to you, so even your little movement, i can know what are you thinking' Moms just LOVE this statement to boast about them understanding their kids completely. reality = they overestimated themselves too much. 

If my parents would've understand me completely, they wouldnt scold me, instead, they'd talk to me about it, not yelling to me, when there's only 4 people in a car. 

The reason I cried, it wasn't because i felt guilty. I was frustrated, I was so pissed that I couldnt even talk back. As my age, crying in a restaurant, is a thing i shouldnt do, it was embarrassing. extrememly embarrassing. I tried to hold and suck up those pathetic tears, but i couldn't. i was just too pissed to suck it up. throughout the meal, the tears kept flushing out. Couldnt even eat properly, couldnt even finish that plate of rice eventhough i really wanted to finsih it. 

So finally, i decided to speak up after all these years. 
As what parents normally do, they shut you down. It was expected. But its pretty amazing to see those effect of the few words when you talk back. my mom was very pissed, she even intended to slap so that i stfu. no wonder my brother loves to talk back. those reaction, you'd never feel so special by pissing a person off within 5 words. 

All these, isn't it dramatic? 
groove- scold - cry while eating in restaurant - speak up - about to get a slap - stfu. 

well, all these, are actually a drama for my dad, to shut him up from nagging about my brother. no wonder she kept picking on me -.-
(if i knew it earlier, i'd cry more -.-)

Only a few more hours to 2013. 

people, might think she's beautiful. 

but i think she's ugly. this is not some kind of jealousy of her .. interesting lifestlye?? well i dont envy nor admire her lifestyle. no. i enjoy mine very much. i like staying alone. it's a kind of freedom.

everytime she appears, it's the bunch of make ups on her face. it's obviously till the extent that when she removes her make up, u'll never recognize her. because the eyes are instantly shrink so much, and her brows, well, most girls who does make up all the time have this prob - the browless look after removing their make ups. 

so, why? 
it seems you people does make up all the time, it is almost everyday. well, your skin probably gets only 8 hours rest a day, and breathe, and that is time when you sleep. so why torture yourself when your skin will only get worse so much fast? and i remember you used to, and still, complain about your skin condition. why wont you rest your skins from those claimed to be organic / very efficient skind products? not to mention those cosmetics drains off your money in no time. also, those night parties, drinkings time-consuming-and-thinking-consuming-costumes. i dont doubt you having so much time. i really dont. coz you dont study medicine, you took... business or some managing course, if im not mistaken. 

its the mask after all u're wearing all day. i mean the make ups are as thick as the mask AND the way you mask yourself from the true you when you're socializing interacting with people. 

give yourself a break, have time with yourself, stop partying like there's no tomorrow. it's unhealthy. 

your family dont have that much money for you to waste on luxurious food, drinks, bags, shirts, shoes, PHONES, etc. save some money for your sister. i know u're quite famous in the town, tho a few of those people i know doesnt know you YET, they will one day. u probably got money from your writings and posts. still, save some for your sister. stop wasting on unnecessary unhealthy stuffs. and i really hope you do. 

2012,

They say its the year that the world would end. apparently, no. im still alive. and for that day, i remember i tweeted this pic, and shuwhey said she like this expression alot. actually, this pose was inspired of her 'wtf-wtv-ur-such-an-idiot' pose. :P

'its 2012 and im still alive like duhhhh' 

it was indeed an.... interesting year...??? and yes, been through tonnes of ups and downs, as in non-PMS related ups and downs, if u get what i mean. 

its 31/12/12. its the last day of 2012. (oh shut up of course you people know its the last day of 2012 -.-)

i feel kind of sad actually, (again, non-PMS related feelings). the fact that i've known so many more people that i've been wanting to know, how hard i fell and how hard i tried to get up. it ain't an easy thing to do u know? and such an awesome year, ended just like this. it was colourful year. it was. compared to 2011, which is more of a ... bright piece of art, this is as what i described, colourful. those colours, they fit each other so well. such piece of art with such harmony of colour, it's beautiful. :)

well, things i learnt this year, work your ass off smartly to get what you want. which is... true. but make sure that you are who you are when u're dealing with such thing. if it ain't your thang, shut up and do what u're suppose to do at that time. easy. follow your heart. 

second thing, lies. 
well, its somehow easy for me to know people are lying, when they are lying at that moment. but people never get it when im lying. smart move huh? :P well thats because... i barely lie to outsiders, coz i dont talk much to them. an entertaining smile and those 'yeah hahahhhhh', 'liddet lohhh hahahahhhh' and those unwilling 'hehhhsssss' simply shut them outta my world. HOWEVER, people i know who i talk to them, i know you are lying when you are. :) the reason i dont bust your lies, its that im lazy, and im tired to argue. when you lies, i know, and i'll shut up that onwards. 

third thing, entertainers. 
im sure there ARE people around you who are your entertainer/treat you as their entertainer. by that i mean, 'fake friends'. those who give you good words, when you're some deep shit and u stinks. for such people, easy, give an eye for an eye. they are just so complicated that they don't worth you to waste ur time, treating them as ur what, like buddies whom you'd die for? nah, forget about it. that'll never happen. not trying to be inappropriate, but think about it, they are just treating you as a sex toy. they need you, they'll be there for you; they dont need you, they'll get lost, and YOU, u'll always be there for them. u're nothing but their sexy toy. unless u're willing to do so. i wont.

etc, etc, etc, for things i learnt throughout the year. it'll be a mil word post of i cont -.-

im lazy to type anymore. let the pics do the job instead. :)

spot was mine. WAS. im still pissed about it!

It's like there's nothing good whenever i update my blog here. 

For those of you who don't know, i went for my violin exam during lunch time. 

most unprepared violin exam i'd say. as you people know, im in med school, so basically is freaking hard for me to squeeze my time out for violin practice. i have to rush home for violin practice and classes. and of because of these reasons, a conclusion of the exam will be, say goodbye to the my beloved friend - distinction. 

no more perfect mark in aural (very unprepared), the examiner, first of all, to me, she's trying so hard to help me, and i'd happily say perhaps im the only one who she dont need to repeat her sentence over and over again like those previous candidates who were small lil kids. I can see that she's trying very hard to smile, she's trying very hard to give me a friendly impression so that i wont be nervous. but nahhhh, her first impression freaked me out. she came out with some freaking serious face (as you know, all old people have face problem because they dont have such firm skin as we do, theirs are all sagging. especially when they dont smile, it looked fking strict)

TOO BAD. i dont have that kind of control. i mean, we all have nerves during exam (more or less, at least a bit)

the thing was, i was so sleepy. i somehow feel sleepy whenever im nervous. or i even feel like puking or shit. lol. 

well, at least one thing i did very good was ignoring the mistakes i made. at least i dint went more nervous once i made mistake. i was like f*ck this shit and continued. out of 3 freaking songs. i was lost in the middle of 2 songs. *facepalm* guess i was too sleepy. scales, i totally forgot how i did frankly speaking. not to say very good, as usual, intonation here and there. @.@ 3rds was worst i'd say. choked like mad at the high parts. gawsh.

pieces, 1st piece started not bad, nicely i'd say. and thennnnnnnn, when it went high and descend, MY GOODNESS, HORRIBLE, i was lost. how on the earth is that possible???? but nevermind, it ended not bad. then 2nd song, starting ornaments wasnt obvious, kinda missed it. -.- nevermind, then when we proceeded to the important part, fking choked, and same place at the recap, I CHOKED AGN! HOW CAN I CHOKE FOR TWO FREAKING TIMES? -_____- that wasnt the worst part, when we ended, she told my accompanist 'can you please dont play too loud till you drown the violinist? afterall it's her exam' im like WTFFFFFFF

i was quite stressed since then, expressions for the 3rd songs were kinda flat then. and i was lost again in this piece -.- seriously? lost for 2 times??? but AT LEAST, it ended okay to me. not to say very good. but it was just okay. 

urgh. and there comes sight reading, as usual, i dont know what was i playing. (the same thing happened every year for my violin exam) but this is grd 8, hoping she's good enough to pass my sight reading. *finger crossed*

aural, i dont know what was happening, was just babbling abt the dynamics, when she asked for texture i was like 'f*ck idk how to describe' and was acting cute as if im thinking but nothing comes into my mind when the answers were so easy. -.- *screams*

and there goes my distinction. far far away from me. 
hope she'll at least pass me. i'll be very very thankful even if i get merit. *pray hard*